What?! We're already half-way there?!

Well, this is it. Midterms are finally upon us and I've successfully made it through with all As and one C (due to my horribly short memory, I nearly forgot to take an exam and had to rush through it completely unprepared.) I begin Math 111 (Trigonometry) next Thursday, which will hopefully prepare me for what it's like to take multiple math classes at once. However, I don't think there's much that can prepare me for the stress of three math classes in one semester. Fortunately, by the time grad school rolls around, I'll have had experience with being overwhelmed by math courses. And this afternoon, I was contacted by a student on campus to tutor her for Math 119. I'm slightly anxious about that because it's been a while since I've taken it AND I struggled my way through it. Hopefully the Lord will guide me as I tutor her so that she can understand the material and do well... specifically better than I did in the course, to be honest. My goal is to pull through the semester with straight As by the end of the semester. It's going to be really hard to raise my C due to the fact that there's not much that's graded in that course to make up for it. BUT there's an opportunity for extra credit when I do my presentation later next month, so I'm crossing my fingers that will give me a little bit of a boost. I haven't worked as hard as I could have this semester, so if I end up not pulling through with straight As, I won't be too heartbroken... just more so disappointed in myself. I would love to say I'd make it my goal for next semester if I don't achieve it this time, but I'm feeling like it's gonna be twenty times harder to get an A in Experimental Design, Bayesian Stats., and Calc. I, plus whatever else I take with those just because they are difficult classes to begin with AND a majority of what I'll be taking in the fall will be upper division courses. (Hooray for being a senior in a few months??)

I know my posts have mostly been about school and such lately, but it's one of the main things that's been on my mind. With the GRE coming up, having to look into grad schools, and wanting to change my major, it's been hard NOT to think about my classes and grades and where I'm going from here each day. So, I'm sorry if this is pretty boring right now... but that's pretty much all that's happening in my life right now. (Besides talking about boys nearly 24/7 with my roommates, haha... but that's not quite the point here.)

I hope you find some comfort here...

Things have gotten incredibly crazy lately. So the May posts have kind of been halted for now. In one week I register for my senior year of college. I'll be signing up for at least 10 credits of math and taking the dive into preparing myself for graduate school. S c a r y. But oddly exhilarating as well. On Friday I am meeting up with Brother Galbraith to figure out what we can do about my major. I'm not sure how things will end, but hopefully well. Tomorrow I am going to the temple with a friend to ponder some questions in my heart. Some are quite serious things and others are regarding where to go with my schooling and other such minor-ish things. Hopefully my heart and my head will feel much lighter afterwards. Everything has become such a struggle recently and I honestly would like some comfort from remembering what is truly important in life.

Why does today feel like I've taken seven steps backwards when nothing has changed since yesterday?

And so spring has begun...

Despite the cold weather, this semester has started off well. Granted, I believe I said that at the beginning of last semester... Anyways the first day was really great! And today wasn't too shabby either. I really hope things stay this way. Last spring was such a mess and I'm really not wanting to live through that a second time. My classes are going to be hard work this semester. I'm dreading that a little bit, but so far I have no serious complaints. I haven't gotten to know my roommates yet. Though, I do really like my room roommate. Turns out I tutored her in the math lab last semester!! I came home today and she had cleaned out a notebook, leaving some math notes on the desk. I recognized the normal distribution diagram and took a closer look only to realize that I drew it!!! How crazy is that? Anyways she's really nice and I can't wait to get to know her and the other 4 better. Also, I'm dyinggg for my lab schedule haha. We just sent in our availabilities tonight at the meeting, so we won't receive the permanent schedule until tomorrow. I hope that I get good shifts with good people... Like Afton, Blake, Zach, Insil, TatiAnna, or Christine. There's definitely others I want to list, but it's late and I had enough trouble trying to get those listed haha. Oh and it'd be really cool to work with Rafael since I tutored him all of Fall. Well, I'll see by tomorrow night how things turn out.

I have a black balloon

Lately I've been feeling as if I've been carrying a rock around in my heart. I don't think I've taken a moment at all this semester to look around and actually see the things I love, the things I am thankful for, the blessings that have been bestowed upon me, or even the opportunities to open up my heart to someone or something.

I do love my job. Yes, it's really intimidating and can be draining day upon day, but honestly I really do like my job. Does it give me some sort of idea of where I want to go after I receive my Bachelor's degree? Yeah, it actually does. Is that something to be thankful for? Absolutely. But do I see this every morning when I'm looking in the mirror wishing that I didn't have an appointment in 15 minutes? Not at all.

I do have good roommates. Yes, I don't feel like I fit in with any of them and yes, they often make me feel really stupid; but they are nice. I've only ever not been invited to something with them once and that was today. That's about five weeks into the semester. Do they care about me? It seems like they do. When I came home on Monday and went straight to bed and cried for an hour, nearly each one of them took a minute to ask me if I was okay. One of them even brought me ice cream from the FHE that I missed. Are they good people? I'm pretty sure they are... I haven't heard about any plots to specifically ruin anyone's day or life. Do I see this when I'm sitting all alone in my room doing homework or wishing I was in another apartment? Absolutely not.

Since the semester has started I've complained and complained to some of my friends that I don't get to spend as much time in the Clarke anymore. I've talked about the fact that I miss being able to chat with Brother Galbraith about life several times a week. I've complained about my roommates and how I never want to be home. Because of the news I received on Monday from Bishop Kidd, I've been incredibly annoyed with my life and my choices. My journal is probably sick of my vents on the subject matter. I haven't been very patient with my students during tutoring. My homework has been tossed to the back burner because "I just need to do nothing for a while" due to my busy schedule.

All of this is making it incredibly hard for me to see the good things happening in my life right now. For one, Brother Galbraith has extended the invitation for me to sit in on his Marriage class when they meet. It doesn't matter if his reason behind it was to make me feel like I had something to do when I was bored or if it was because he knew it would make me happy or something entirely different. What matters is that he has invited me and it made my day. Yea, I might be struggling with a few things right now, but it's given me the opportunity to learn even more about myself and what I want to get from life. It doesn't matter that it's set back serving a mission. What matters is that I have the desire to serve a mission and that I have the opportunity to still serve a mission once I get this one thing taken care of. Of course work is going to be draining and I'm going to wish there were more days that I had off. It doesn't matter that it's my own fault for scheduling so many open times. What matters is that I have a job. The income allows me to pay my bills and buy groceries and pay tithing and make donations. What also matters is that my job is a free service to students that have a desire to learn. I'm serving them. It shouldn't matter that I have a headache or that I procrastinated my homework for too long; I should never back out on them or intentionally interfere with their opportunity to be served.

I need to stop walking around with the spirit of entitlement like a rock in my heart. I need to lift up my head, look at the world with open eyes, and take in the sights of the Lord's hand in my life.

The semester so far:

According to my phone.

It's going to be a long winter...

Tomorrow marks the beginning of the fourth week of the semester and outside of realizing that means there's only ten weeks left (including finals week), I'm feeling like this semester is going to be long. I'm not saying this because it hasn't stopped snowing since before I woke up this morning or because we're due to receive 9 inches of snow by 5 am tomorrow morning.

I'm saying this because everything just seems to be really difficult this semester. My math class is beginning to seem more and more like an alien language and working on the Calc. side might either be the death of me or the embarrassment that will make me never want to show my face in the math study center ever again. I don't get my every other day briefings with Brother Galbraith, so I constantly have this list of things I'm dying to tell someone. I have to make a really, really big decision this semester and I wish that I could foresee the future in regards to that decision.

My roommates are good people, but there is only one that I feel comfortable around. It's been really rough and most of the time I'm just itching to get away fromt the apartment so I can be on my own or with my own friends. I'm constantly feeling torn and I'm slightly glad plane tickets are expensive because that's the only thing keeping me from buying and impulsive one-way ticket home right now.

It's funny because everything about this semester and 2013 appeared to be wonderfully great and then the rest of January happened by. Strange how fickle time and feelings can be!

But for any of you who are wondering, yes, I'm still alive. I'm just buried up to my nose with work and decisions.

Hello, New Year! And work and school...

2013 has started out pretty well. My birthday was good and I went to Disney twice that week. Then I flew back to Idaho to start another semester of school. I was scheduled with a boy I've had my eye on for 4 shifts at work :) during the first three days of the semester. I've already received several students signing up to meet with me for tutoring and we're still in the first week! (Err, technically the first week is over since it's Friday, but whatevs haha.) My one and only (until this morning) class has been tough, but the teacher is hilarious and the other students are fun to be around. I signed up for a religion class I didn't realize I've been dying to take that only meets once a week. And I have a permanent (for the semester) shift on the Calculus side of the lab! Oh, and I ordered super cute boots today as well as bought a really pretty red blouse.

For it only being two weeks into January, I feel like a lot has gone really well already. I am hoping that means there are some amazing things in store for me this year. (Like maybe a boyfriend??? Ha, I can wish!) There's the possibility of receiving a mission call too. I'm really excited to see how 2013 goes for me. 2012 was one rough rollercoaster and there's wayyy too many days I'd rather forget even happened.

Everything seems to be going the way it should (minus being locked out of taking China with Brother Galbraith's brother--who is also Brother Galbraith, fyi.) I've already had a heap of blessings land on me and I can only imagine that if I continue to live my life the way I should that there will be many more in the coming weeks.

And with that, Fall 2012 comes to a close...

All in all, today was pretty much crazy. Although, I wouldn't have had it any other way.

This morning I woke up to a million texts messages from people all wanting my attention at the same moment. I ignored nearly all of them until I received one telling me that I had gotten an email from Brother Galbraith. He wanted to know how my Calculus final had gone. It seriously means so much to me that he cares. I hadn't taken it yet, but I said that I'd stop by his office in an hour or so with the huge stack of Family Foundation papers I graded last night before I handed over my life to my Calculus exam. Before I left, I wrote him a simple thank you card to give to him when I dropped the papers off. I really wasn't expecting anything in return; I just wanted him to know how thankful I am for him.
When I was walking out of the testing center, I noticed I'd received another email from him. It read, "Help..." So instead of wandering the bookstore or wasting time doing who knows what, I marched over to the Clarke. Turns out he didn't need help, he just wanted to give me a little note and a gift certificate to this Mexican restaurant he tells me about every semester. I was a little shocked, but I'm pretty happy :)

After that I met Brother Rarick at the temple to kick start my dad's temple work. It was seriously so crazy to know that this time the name wasn't random, but someone I knew personally. He asked me if I'd received any impressions about whether my father was accepting of having his baptism ordinance done. I was trying to hard to memorize every moment that I don't think I was very open to receiving any impressions, which is sad. But I will say it was an amazing experience. And Brother Rarick is the gentlest person I've ever had for baptisms. Unfortunately my contacts disagree with the whole chlorinated water though, haha.

After that I spent 2-3 hours grading exams and reflection papers so that Brother Galbraith could submit his grades asap. I missed the commencement ceremony that Jessica had invited me to because of it. I'm still really sad about that. But, I did get to go to the convocation, which was really good! Sister Wixom spoke and I got to see several people that I know walk across the stage! It was great.

I got to spend some time with Brooke in between grading and attending the convocation. It's so crazy to think that she's getting married on Friday!!! She seems really happy though and that's what matters.

As soon as I got home from convocation, I moved all of my things to the back room and I've been cleaning for nearly 3 hours straight. My lower back is killing me!! I wish that I had one more day before I left... I feel like I really need a day to recuperate, haha. Buuuut, I'm officially done with the semester. I survived!!!

And I scored 3rd highest on my Theories exam, which is awesome! Annnnd my Calc. grade is currently a B-, meaning I have all A's and one B right now. Hopefully once all my final scores are entered that won't make anything go down :/

Things I Have Learned This Semester

There's so much in my head right now and I just want to write until my heart's content, but since finals are this week I do not have that luxury.

So after some pondering and getting completely sidetracked from writing my final report for my big research project, I decided that I should make a list of things I've learned from this semester. Maybe one day I'll look back and realize how much I grow over the three short months of every semester. Maybe I'll start to see in myself what everyone else does.

• Seeing everything from the perspective that it all is a blessing makes life so much sweeter.
• Good things come when you are patient.
• Avoiding talking to a father figure when you really need to talk with them will only make you feel more stressed and unhappy.
• Undesired/unexpected answers do not always mean that someone doesn't care about you.
• If you have a negative attitude about a class or a teacher, or even a little assignment, you will hold yourself back from exerting your full potential.
• No matter what you think when you're in the midst of it, addictions make you lose who you are.
• Networking is especially important when you want to accomplish things.
• Journaling makes the heart feel lighter.
• It's better to say nothing at all when you're angry or irritated.
• Gossip hurts and even if you're not gossiping, not stopping the gossip is just as terrible.
• Take things slow, enjoy the moment--stop anticipating the end.
• Living mindfully will mold you to being more Christ-like.
• While being stubborn can get you through, it's not the great as having a desire or motivation to do something.
• Stopping by a professor's office "real quick" does not apply in any case when you like to talk and your professors do too.
• Isolating yourself does not mean that you will accomplish all your homework goals for the day.
• The time between 5:00 pm and 7:30 pm is a LOT shorter than you think!
• 
  

I must be in the right department...

Upon observing three of my professors in the Denver airport, I have come to the conclusion that the Home & Family Dept. is quite chatty.

And something that amazes me is that even after needing to be at the airport by 4:50 am, they still can tease me like no other. If only I was awake enough to dish it back out to them, haha.

BYU-Idaho does NOT like me very much!

Outside of the fact that I'm constantly getting emails about apparently being over the credit limit & being restricted from registration because of the high credit restriction hold, being told I was supposed to graduate during a semester that I don't even attend, and having to jump through 100 hoops every time I need to take a specific class, I've officially decided that BYU-Idaho doesn't like me. At all. Not even a teeny-tiny teensy-weentsy little bit.

My first clue was that every single time I go to take either Foundations Capstone or Foundations International China, the times continually conflicted with courses I needed to complete for my major.

My second clue was that I didn't receive any word about my semester override appeal within the allotted amount of time, but I shrugged it off because I know admissions can be crazy busy during this time of year due to high school senior applications.

And my final clue is the fact that instead of receiving an email about my appeal, they had someone call me to deliver utter disappointment.

Of course, I can still sign up for Math 341 and 423 for this winter, but that's only 1) after January 4th, 2013 and 2) IF those two classes haven't filled up.

What absolutely irritates me is the fact that Math 423 and 425 (both, which are classes I need) are ONLY offered during winter semesters and even though they assigned me the Spring/Fall track, they won't let me register for classes that I need that aren't offered during my assigned track. I thought the whole point of a semester override was to give students who need specific classes the chance to take them when they are offered?! Apparently, it's not.

Maybe I should have gone to SJRSC like the rest of my friends from home.

It's just a grade

Yesterday afternoon I reserved a room for 2 hrs and 45 minutes in the MC for to day so that I can isolate myself. You know, to maybe get all my work done. Mostly I want to study my brains into mush with Calculus. It's killing me! And I hate that it is because I like math, I like my Calc. class. I think my problem is not enough sleep, lack of proper nutrition, and the fact that I don't have time to really absorb what I've learned before I'm moving on to the next thing I've committed to.

Maybe I just have too high of expectations for myself this semester? I'm not really sure. Tuesday afternoon I told Brother Galbraith that I was really worried about my teaching presentation that's today because I'm worried I'll get up there and have no idea what I'm doing or talking about (and well, with my lack of time to plan, I'm sure I'll have no idea what I'm doing, but that's besides the point right now.) I also told him that I was afraid I'd get a bad grade because my group hasn't well prepared for today like we planned to. His response was, "It's just a grade." All morning this has been playing in my head over and over again. Earlier this semester he told me that I should take the hard Stats. classes even if Calculus hurts my GPA because what matters is that I've had the experience and have been familiarized with the concepts. This goes along really well with his statement, "It's just a grade."

And really, that's all of what college is. It's just a grade. The experiences and what I retain from my classes are what is most important. Unfortunately when I'm in a crunch to finish something or understand a concept for an exam, it feels so much more intense and important. I guess what I should focus on is that if I can survive this semester, I can say that I'm capable of doing hard things, which means I'm capable of more than I think.

I need an attitude adjustment

The past several weeks have been filled with my Mondays through Fridays being spent on campus from 7:30 am to about 9-10:00 pm. And no, I don't go home for lunch or dinner or any kind of break most days. I'm basically dying from this because my head hurts like it's been run over by a semi-truck and my shoulders and hips ache from doing so much sitting and working. I have absolutely no time for myself when I need it and I'm perpetually feeling like I'm going to burst into tears.

About 30 minutes ago I left the Calc. side of the Math Study Center after working on my 11 problem homework assignment for 2.5 hrs. I headed to the Clarke to get some "peace" so I can work on other assignments before tackling the written portion of my Calc. homework. I turned on my iPod and the song that started playing had the most fitting lyrics to describe my week-- "It's been a really, really messed up week. Seven days of torture, seven days of bitter..." And that's when I realized it's Wednesday, AKA I have clean check in and hr and a half. I haven't been home since 7:30 this morning! Which means I have 1/2 an hr to run home and clean, then 1/2 to finish my Calc. homework, and then 1 hour of work. And guess what, when I get home from work, I won't be able to go straight to bed because I have to shower and finish up some other tasks that need to be finished tonight.

I'm really at the point where I feel like I'm going to lose it one of these days. And I'm doing all I can to hold it together because I do NOT want another semester of crying in professor's offices.

Why can't my Fridays be eventful?!

According to my roommates, Hayley and Madi, I have eventful Mondays.

Last Monday I took an extra shift in the math lab and about 15 or so minutes after I arrived, the fire alarms went off. The entire library had to evacuate for about 10 minutes. And when someone came to let us back in, a fireman started yelling for us to "back away from the building!' I have no idea why the alarm went off in the library because, as far as I know, nothing actually happened there. Buuuut, right as my shift ended a girl looked out the window and pointed to a large group of people standing outside the Clarke bldg. below. I didn't think too much of it because a few teachers had been holding class outside due to the nice weather. After I was done working I headed over to the Clarke to talk with Brother Galbraith and finish up some Calculus homework only to find they had evacuate the whole building!! I couldn't find Galbraith, so I stopped to ask Brother Anderson if they'd evacuated the Clarke for the same reason they evacuated the library. Turns out that he didn't even know the library's alarms had gone off! But the evacuation of the Clarke wasn't for no reason. Apparently something happened during the remodeling of the 2nd floor and the building was flooded. It smelled like burning rubber, but I still haven't learned why exactly. Because of the flooding, my 3:15 class was canceled and no one was allowed back in the building until the next morning.

This Monday started out alright. I woke up with a terrible cold and was late to Calculus, but hey, nothing too exciting there. It all started when I walked out of Research... Mikaela and Jessica stopped to talk with me about the upcoming CFAS activity next week and right as I said I was dying from being so busy, I sniffled and my nose started gushing blood. I'm pretty sure I had a nosebleed that lasted 15 minutes. We rushed to the nearest bathroom to get some paper towels and clean off my hand & sweater, but then I walked with Jessica to the library for work. My student saw that I was holding a wad of paper towels to my face and told me that we could cancel if I wanted to take care of my nose since he didn't have anything too important to discuss today. So I walked back to the Clarke and guess what, my nose was STILL bleeding! Brother McCoy and Brother Gardner told me to wet a paper towel and then lay down with that on my nose. After about 2 or 3 minutes it finally stopped. The rest of the day was mediocre until FHE. In the middle of deciding on an activity my nose started bleeding again. This time it wasn't as much or as long (honestly, I'm surprised there was more left in there considering how much came out this morning), but I'm pretty sure I've reached my nosebleed quota of the year today.

If only my Fridays were like my Mondays! It seems nothing exciting ever happens on a Friday for me, but tons of crazy things happen on my Mondays. Most people dread Monday because it means going back to work or school or both, but for me, I dread them because I never know what insane thing is going to happen that day. It's crazy!

Figuring things out

This morning I finally found out why my tutoring appointments weren't showing up as weekly even though my students were checking the "weekly" box when they signed up. Turns out I had been forgetting to set the date to reoccur until the end of the semester. It's been all figured out now, which is awesome.

I also found out that I could possibly be getting $125 worth of funding to attend the NCFR conference at the end of this month, thanks to Galbraith for checking out the Student Societies Handbook. Mikaela and I are pretty blessed.

I had a great tutoring session with Rylan this morning; and oh, how it made me ache to take an algebra class! I miss when math was simple... but I know I didn't think it was so simple when I was first introduced to it.

General Conference is this weekend. Madi, Hayley, and I will have the apartment to ourselves. We're planning on pulling our mattresses into the living room for a weekend-long sleepover :) I'm making dinner for them, Janae, and Kendal on Saturday evening... I'm considering inviting Jordan if he's staying in town for GC.

In between sessions I'll probably finish up grading the Family Foundations stuff and study for my Calculus exam that's on Monday. And I'm sure doing crazy things with Madi and Hayley will happen too.

Things are going a LOT better this semester compared to last semester. Although, I think a lot of it has to do with my attitude about this semester being awesome. I've had a lot of help and heaps of blessings so far and we're not even to mid-terms yet.

And so I don't forget, here are a few things I want to remember to blog about:

• FAML 360
• 2 boys
• Influence of being a TA

Dearest September...

Lesson of the past month?

I can't be superwoman no matter how hard I try.

16 credits, two jobs, AND awesome roommates does not a good combination make if I want to get adequate sleep and not get sick.

So 14 credit it is.

I can't help but laugh!

The things I hear when I'm sitting in the hallway in the Clarke probably amuse me more than they should.

Bro. McCoy: *sneezes*
Bro. Galbraith: No sneezing!
Bro. McCoy: I'm sorry, I won't let it happen again!

Beginning of my Junior Year

By the end of tomorrow I will have made it through the first week of my Junior year in college. Calculus hasn't been too bad so far, but we're only reviewing basic things right now and we have an exam on that tomorrow. (Wish me luck?) Research & Evaluation and Family Theories & Dynamics sound like they're going to be tough. D&C will be fine, but Family Stress & Coping has me stressing out just looking at the things we'll be doing this semester. Galbraith likes to have a good laugh whenever I'm stressing about that class because of the irony that I need to learn how to cope with a Stress & Coping class. But I don't mind because he's been incredibly helpful about the textbook stuff for Theories. I don't have to buy the $53 book because he lent me his first edition and is letting me borrow his third edition when needed.

I got my work schedule set up for tutoring--I have two 1 hour-long shifts on Saturday morning and I have 10 slots set up for one-on-one session each week. I have my first one-on-one session this afternoon, so for my first pay period as a math tutor I'll get paid for 3 hours. I officially begin grading as a TA for Family Foundations on the 25th when Galbraith collects their first case study.

This week hasn't been crazy busy, but it's been busy enough that I feel like I'm going to forget about things that need to be done or turned in. I hope this feeling goes away and that the busyness becomes more of a routine than a stressor.

Feel free to ignore this post!

I just need somewhere to write a list of the things that need to be done between now and Thursday since I packed up all my paper and notebooks.

• Tuesday
• White glove bathroom
• doors & frames
• fan
• floors
• toilet (the outside)
• towel rack
• sinks
• mirror (again)
• White glove bedroom
• bed frame
• drawers
• doors
• blinds
• Rent storage shed
• Take things to shed
• Get hair cut
• White glove kitchen
• freezer
• fridge
• Take donations to DI

• Wednesday
• White glove kitchen
• counter tops
• cabinets (fronts, tops, insides)
• dishwasher
• sink
• fire extinguisher
• back splashes
• Wash sheets & comforter
• Wash last load of laundry
• Last minute packing
• Vacuum bedroom floor
• Move to Royal Crest

• Thursday
• Fill out tutoring paperwork
• Blood test at 11 am
• Track meet with the Galbraiths
• Unpack

• At some point:
• Grocery shopping
• School supply shopping
• Decorate room